In the Cheap Seats
Bobby "Butch" Burney | News-Telegram Sports Editor

March 20, 2006 - Everyone knew it was coming - or at least should have known - that Terrell Owens is coming to town. After all, it's Jerry Jones that's running the Cowboys. Or should we say ruining the Cowboys?

We were able to tap into Jones' phone call conversation with Owens last week that got the whole thing started.

Here's a transcript.

Jones: Hello, this is Jerry Jones, i.e.,  the grand poobah of the Dallas Cowboys. I need to speak to, uh, er, Terrell.

Owens: Hey, baby, it's all good.

Jones: I don't know what that means, er, huh. Is this Terrell Owens?

Owens: It depends. Is this Donovan?

Jones: I don't believe so. I think this is the owner of the Dallas Cowboys. Isn't that right, Jerry Jr.? Yes, I am the owner. Jerry Jr. says so.

Owens: You don't own the Cowboys. I own the Cowboys. Have the Cowgirls stopped me yet? No. I own them.

Jones: Well, er, that is the 4-Eleven on that, isn't it, homeboy? In so much as I am representing, pooch (covers phone with hand), er, I mean, dog, I would like you to see your way clear to join the Dallas Cowboys football organization. ... Dog.

Owens: We'll see. How much are you going to pay me?

Jones: I thought we'd talk about a multi-year contract, i.e., a long-term deal.

Owens: No, fool! How much are you going to pay me for just talking to you? Give me 20 bucks and I won't hang up.

Jones: OK, er, dog, you will have a Jackson in your pocket the next time we meet.

Owens: Ah-reet. Now, who's going to throw me the ball?

Jones: We have Drew Bledsoe, better known as the Wally Pipp of New England. 

Owens: That white bread can't throw no ball.

Jones: I would have to disagree. I know I saw him throw the football overhand on several occasions last year without fumbling or getting sacked. Once or twice, the ball did not bounce at the receiver's feet. I distinctly remember that.

Owens: Who's going to block?

Jones: We have several young men who will wear Cowboys' uniforms.

Owens: Are they any good?

Jones: Well, we have Jacob Rogers, a second-round pick. No, wait, I cut him last week for the second time. We have Larry Allen. Hold on, er, uh, I'm going to have to cut him this week to free up cap money to sign you. We have Flozell Adams. Wait, er, he's still not 100 percent after knee surgery. Well, there's always Rob Pettiti, who's not the worst offensive tackle in the league because Torren Tucker is starting on the other side. If we have to, we'll get Tuna's 300-pound rear end out there to block, dog.

Owens: Shouldn't you be spending money on the offensive line rather than throwing millions of dollars at me? Never mind, I forgot who I'm talking to. Who else is going to be catching balls, fool?

Jones: We have an All-Pro tight end, but don't worry about him taking catches away from you because we never throw him the ball, i.e., we waste his talent. Terry Glenn is the other starting wide receiver, but he never stays healthy. So, it'll be you and a couple of guys named Joe or Jim or Ahmad or something like that.

Owens: Who's the coach?

Jones: Well, it's, er, Bill Parcells.

Owens: No, fool. I'm the coach. I'm the owner. I'm the receiver. I'm the quarterback. I'm the offensive coordinator. I'm the dog.

Jones: Er, I'll have to see how that all fits on the 53-man roster.

Owens: So when are we going to do this?

Jones: I was thinking about waiting a couple of weeks. How does April First, i.e. April Fool's Day, sound?

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