In the CHeap Seats
Bobby "Butch" Burney | News-Telegram Sports Editor

Feb. 7, 2006 - Seattle lost the Super Bowl, but the Seahawks weren't the only losers. There were quite a few among the dozens of commercials aired during the lengthy game.

There were some winners, too, of course - usually the reliable beer ads - and some that I haven't quite got a handle on yet.

Below is the rundown:

Budweiser

We've got a Streaker - A sheared sheep runs onto the field during the horses' football game. All the ingredients are there for a great commercial - animals, football, beer and someone topless.

Crowd Drinks Cup - The entire side of a football stadium drinks down a cup of Budweiser. Yeah, I've had to sit next to all those guys at games before.

Bud Light

Hidden Beers - A supervisor hides beer around the office to motivate the workers. When he steps out of the elevator, the employees are ransacking the office in search of Bud Lights. Maybe someone should have hidden Bud Lights in the end zone to give the Seahawks a reason to get there.

Magic Fridge - One man's hiding place is another man's hidden treasure. And I thought it was just the kids eating all the food.

On the Roof - Guys pretend to be fixing the roof, but they're really drinking Bud Light. Way to go, guys, letting all of our secrets out in the open.

Bearly Escaping - One guy steals another's beer as he tries to calm a mad bear. It's like the old saying: you don't have to outrun the bear, you just have to outrun the guy with the beer.

Other Beers

Michelob Ultra's Late Hit - "You were open, and now you are closed," the guy says to the girl he just tackled. Wait, I believe the official in the end zone has flagged the girl for offensive pass interference.

Miller Genuine Draft's Check Out Girl - A checkout girl gets on top of the counter to tell everyone that a guy is buying MGD. The fear of that happening is why men don't purchase private feminine products.

Miscellaneous

Fidelity Federal teaming with Paul McCartney - Notice Fidelity didn't ask the Rolling Stones to do its commercial. Maybe Fidelity should be in charge of the halftime show.

Fed Ex's Caveman - To paraphrase Norm, "It's a dinosaur-eat-dinosaur world and I'm wearing sabretooth underwear."

Emerald Nuts' Acronym - The ad had something to do with a Druid living under the stairs ... I think now we know who comes up with these commercials.

GoDaddy.com - I didn't watch it, honey. Honest.

Mastercard and McGyver - I guess McGyver couldn't get work on Skating with the Stars.

Dove's Self Esteem Fund - After years of having models with perfect skin and features on its ads, Dove now has a Self Esteem Fund. How does it work? If a girl feels bad about the way she looks, Dove send her money for plastic surgery.

Cars

Ford - Kermit sings "It's not easy being green," while 50,000 laid-off former Ford employees are singing the blues. Classy, Ford.

Other cars - Big, huge, phenomenal wastes of big, huge, phenomenal wads of cash.

Ameriquest Mortgage

Turbulence - A woman tries to get out of her seat during a flight and ends up in a man's lap just as the lights come on. Almost as embarrassing as the Rolling Stones' halftime performance.

Dead Fly - A doctor uses a defibrillator to kill a fly just as the patient's family walks in, thinking he is dead. That was Mick Jagger minutes before halftime.

Soft Drinks

Diet Pepsi - I don't know whether to call him Sean John, P Diddy, Puff Daddy or Diddy, but I know what to call his commercials: Dumb Diddy.

Vault - A souped-up scarecrow can get rid of nagging crows, foxes, rabbits and even hippies. I bet President Bush would like to have one of those outside his Crawford ranch.

Sierra Mist - A woman pretends the airport metal detector is going off so she can steal a guy's soft drink. And I got strip searched because of car keys - go figure.

Career Builder

Monkey Business - Working in an office full of chimps, a guy interrupts their party to inform them the profit graph is upside down. The party stops, until one of the monkeys turns the graph around so the arrow points upward again. Party on! I do the same thing with my bank account.

Fast Food

Pizza Hut - Miss Piggy and Jessica Simpson: One is a parody with a stuffed body and a head full of fodder. The other one dates Kermit.

McDonald's - A hamster tells Ronald that he would be a perfect football mascot. Yeah, but the only person listening is a clown.

Burger King - The whole idea of women dressed up as food items slipped by me much like a pass slipping through Jeremy Stevens' hands.

Telecommunications

MotoPebl - A meteor becomes a cell phone. That must have been what Mike Holmgren was talking into during the final minutes of each half when his team was in disarray.

MotoRazr - Finally, a commercial as bad as the Super Bowl officiating.

ESPN Mobile - I don't want to carry around anything that connects me to Stuart Scott.

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