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The REAL NFL Mock Draft

By BUTCH BURNEY

            As all football experts do, I have come up with my final mock version of the NFL draft, which starts tonight. Take these picks to the bank!

  1. Dallas Cowboys  – In a draft day switcheroo, Cowboys owner Jerry Jones trades all of his future first round picks ever to move up to the first pick in the draft to take Johnny Manziel of the University of the Cleveland Browns’ rehab unit. In a related move, the Cowboys draft Manziel’s intervention officer in the second round.
  2. Philadelphia Eagles – Select Laremy Tunsil, offensive tackle from Ole Miss. However, the Eagles immediately say Tunsil will be switched to quarterback. “He’s the highest rated player on our board, but it’s crazy to take an offensive lineman with the second overall pick. Logic says you need to take a quarterback, so Tunsil is now our starting QB!” new coach Doug Pederson enthusiastically announces.
  3. San Diego Chargers – Take Latrelle Ludwick, punter from Grand Valley State. “Our offense was so bad last year, punter should be the MVP of the team,” says Chargers GM Tom Telesco. “Plus, he is a two-way player. He will also hold on extra points.”
  4. Los Angeles Rams – Trade this pick for “future considerations.”
  5. Jacksonville Jaguars – NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell announces the Jaguars will forfeit the pick for having the worst uniforms in professional sports.
  6. Baltimore Ravens – Select Jared Goff, quarterback from California.
  7. San Francisco 49ers – Also select Jared Goff, quarterback from California.
  8. Cleveland Browns – Also select Jared Goff, quarterback from California. The three teams will play rock, paper, scissors to determine who gets Goff.
  9. Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Take the entire University of Alabama starting defensive team.
  10. NY Giants – Draft Kelly Ripa because Michael Strahan is unavailable.
  11. Chicago Bears – Falls asleep. No pick.
  12. New Orleans Saints – Trade this pick to the New England Patriots, whose first round pick was forfeited because of InflateGate. The Patriots take Ken Yun, the equipment manager for the LSU Tigers. “He’s the best there is with an air pump,” says coach Bill Belichick.
  13. Miami Dolphins – Take a big guy from the SEC to be named later.
  14. Oakland Raiders – Draft a landscaper so they won’t be playing on a half-grass, half-dirt baseball/football sportatorium. As a backup plan, they will add hardwood to the sportatorium somewhere around second base, the goalline, the 3-point line and the hockey net.
  15. Tennessee Titans – Get overlooked by Roger Goodell because … he didn’t realize there was an actual NFL team in Tennessee.
  16. Detroit Lions – Declare bankruptcy because it’s Detroit.
  17. Atlanta Falcons – Owner Arthur Blank’s dog knocks the Falcons’ draft computers off the table, then his cat runs over the keyboard and types in the name of Ezekiel Elliott, running back from Ohio State. His hamster then types in YOLO!
  18. Indianapolis Colts -- Draft Ed Hochuli, referee. “He’s got the best bench press on the field,” says Colts GM Ryan Grigson.
  19. Buffalo Bills – Draft Jennifer Jones, a 5-6, 101-pound ballet dancer. After hiring the first fulltime female assistant coach earlier this offseason, Rex Ryan is solidifying his well-deserved vote as “Glamour” Magazine’s Most Progressive Coach. He also filled out the questionnaire to determine if his breast size outweighed his IQ.
  20. NY Jets – Take George Costanza from Seinfeld. Why? Because they’re the Jets.
  21. Washington Redskins – Draft Robert Griffin III from 2011. “We don’t want the 2016 RG3,” said little Danny Snyder, owner of the ‘Skins. “We want the one from five years ago.”
  22. Houston Texans – Select a clone of JJ Watt. Scientists are in the lab as we speak.
  23. Minnesota Vikings – Draft JJ Watt’s first unborn male child, cloned or biological.
  24. Cincinnati Bengals – Poll all 10 of their fans, who are evenly divided between taking Carson Wentz and Jalen Ramsey, so the Bengals take Carson Ramsey, a 5-10, 220 pound defensive lineman from Division III Northwest North Dakota State University at San Pedro.
  25. Pittsburgh Steelers – Trade QB Ben Roethlisberger to Dallas Cowboys in exchange for Johnny Manziel, a party truck full of Miller Lite and the Dallas Cowboys cheerleaders. In return, Jerry Jones gets a lifetime supply of terrible towels.
  26. Seattle Seahawks – Head coach Pete Carroll hyperventilates from chewing gum so fast that he falls off the stage and into the lap of Erin Andrews, who immediately sues him for $115 million.
  27. Green Bay Packers – Draft Paxton Lynch, quarterback from Memphis. By actually selecting a player, the Packers have been declared champions of the 2016 draft and Super Bowl champions.
  28. Kansas City Chiefs – Chiefs coach Andy Reid stands at the podium for five minutes, looking straight ahead and not saying a word. When time runs out, he is asked why he didn’t select a player. “That’s exactly what they would have expected me to do,” he says.
  29. Arizona Cardinals – Select Joey Bosa, defensive end from Ohio State. Bosa immediately calls a press conference and said he will not play in the NFL. He is instead joining the Surfing Brothers Commune of the Great Lakes.
  30. Caroiina Panthers – Draft some class. Too little, too late.
  31. Denver Broncos – Select the Tin Man from the Wizard of Oz to replace Peyton Manning at quarterback.
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